back at it again,
some mercury retrograde bullshit
always pulling me in.
ill-conceived, still wishing i was dead,
wishing i was neverborn,
mission aborted.
no person on earth
should have to see me so low:
wishing for a world without sin,
wishing all slaves free from what binds,
willing the water to rise.
if nobody invited me to this party,
why is it so damn hard to leave, then?
i can't live with all the trauma inside of me.
i can't live with my history.
i can't keep waiting for something...
good to happen?
bad to happen?
for someone...
to help me,
to save me,
from what—i don't even know,
from what—is wrong with me,
from what—would make it better.
(i am afraid for things to be better.
i am afraid i don't deserve better.
i am afraid of god.
i am afraid of every good thing.
i am in awe of the holy mystery.)
i'm tired of being a burden.
splitting into pieces.
my soul pulling away from my body and i-
i don't know where it is
trying to take me
all my life always running away from
everything i can't trust,
anyone.
no friends.
no family.
no community.
no continuity.
no turn to for support,
for when i don't know if i
have isolated myself or have been outcast.
sad part is,
i could never tell the difference.
all my life like this.
